I went to B&Q last week to get some trellis for an older relative of mine. It was made from quarter inch thick wood stuck together with staples. Much of it was coming apart. A 6′ x 3′ piece as £16.98. She needed 12′ x 6′, which would have cost just short of £68. I decided to look elsewhere. I went to a local timber yard and bought enough wood (38mmx19mm, tannelised) to make the trellis, as well as more than enough screws to stick it together for £27. OK, so I had to make it myself, which took a few hours, but it will last for many years, whereas the B&Q stuff probably won’t last a summer. I bought three posts too. £12.98 each at B&Q, £5.25 each at the yard.
What do I know about B&Q? Don’t go there.
12 November 2013
Acidic regulator
I can’t be the only one who can guess what Neil G wanted to trellis.
12 November 2013
G100
There was a touring car driver in the 90s who changed his name to John B&Q by deed poll to get his sponsor’s name mentioned that few more times per race.
Within six comments I have learnt an entirely new word – kerning – and that another one (used correctly by the Campesinos fella) doesn’t mean what I’ve thought it did for at least 40 years.
19 November 2013
Zaardvark
B&Q are better than any tool hire shop. Spent a dusty weekend sanding a badly plastered upstairs bedroom with a newly purchased JCB power sander. Easily exceeded its average useful life. In the last half hour before smooth wall perfection, a plastic dust box lug snapped so I limped home with a dust mask then took the only slightly broken and very abused sander back to the shop. “Would you like to exchange it or a full refund?” The well made up but obviously bored customer services lady asked in monotone. Almost in disbelief and distracted by the dust cloud still emanating from the forlorn sander recently set down on the counter, I pondered a moment and blurted “full refund please”. With a quibble-free credit in my planned overdraft, she didn’t see me for dust. Dale Hire, your tools are older than B&Q’s. I for one will be back again.
There are 14 Half Man Half Biscuit albums, plus two roundup compilations, as well as 4 EPs and a handful of one-off songs. No 'Greatest Hits'. Indulge yourself by starting here.
The Lux Familiar Cup 2019
In which we choose the nation's favourite Half Man Half Biscuit song. For the next four years, anyway.
Breaking News
Latest gigs, forthcoming releases, and anything else we find out.
Search the site
Search for any lyric, reference, song title ...whatever.
The A to Z of HMHB
Add your bit, and sign up for email updates. Latest addition: Zorro
About HMHB
The story of Half Man Half Biscuit, where to get the music, and about this site.
Latest Comments
There are now 38,998 comments on this site. Why not make it one more?
Your PBRs
Life is a Permanent Biscuit Reference.
HMHB in the Media
Mentions of lyrics and the band.
Gig News & Reviews
What it says. Always worth reading.
Random Lyrics
The famous Half Man Half Biscuit Random Lyrics Generator™ – click here for a different gem every time. Makes a nice default page for your browser.
G100
Set up (according to Harry Hill) by “Lynda Baron and Pauline Quirke – from the feather programme”.
12 November 2013
Dr Desperate
Sinéad O’Connor is obviously a fan.
12 November 2013
neil g
I went to B&Q last week to get some trellis for an older relative of mine. It was made from quarter inch thick wood stuck together with staples. Much of it was coming apart. A 6′ x 3′ piece as £16.98. She needed 12′ x 6′, which would have cost just short of £68. I decided to look elsewhere. I went to a local timber yard and bought enough wood (38mmx19mm, tannelised) to make the trellis, as well as more than enough screws to stick it together for £27. OK, so I had to make it myself, which took a few hours, but it will last for many years, whereas the B&Q stuff probably won’t last a summer. I bought three posts too. £12.98 each at B&Q, £5.25 each at the yard.
What do I know about B&Q? Don’t go there.
12 November 2013
Acidic regulator
I can’t be the only one who can guess what Neil G wanted to trellis.
12 November 2013
G100
There was a touring car driver in the 90s who changed his name to John B&Q by deed poll to get his sponsor’s name mentioned that few more times per race.
13 November 2013
Bobby SVARC
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Batchelor_(racing)
13 November 2013
CARDINAL RICHELIEU
The one thing I can find in B&Q without fail (and am happy to assist others to locate) is the sign that says [EXIT].
13 November 2013
John the shorts
Of course there is some room for improvement at B&Q – maybe a revisit to packaging designers?
17 November 2013
Dr Desperate
Bad kerning.
18 November 2013
EXXO
Within six comments I have learnt an entirely new word – kerning – and that another one (used correctly by the Campesinos fella) doesn’t mean what I’ve thought it did for at least 40 years.
19 November 2013
Zaardvark
B&Q are better than any tool hire shop. Spent a dusty weekend sanding a badly plastered upstairs bedroom with a newly purchased JCB power sander. Easily exceeded its average useful life. In the last half hour before smooth wall perfection, a plastic dust box lug snapped so I limped home with a dust mask then took the only slightly broken and very abused sander back to the shop. “Would you like to exchange it or a full refund?” The well made up but obviously bored customer services lady asked in monotone. Almost in disbelief and distracted by the dust cloud still emanating from the forlorn sander recently set down on the counter, I pondered a moment and blurted “full refund please”. With a quibble-free credit in my planned overdraft, she didn’t see me for dust. Dale Hire, your tools are older than B&Q’s. I for one will be back again.
16 June 2016