I’ve tried to concentrate on the later songs on this site, because the oldies are already well documented on various places around Teh Interweb; however, I’m adding The Bastard Son Of Dean Friedman just to stop any more people sending in the lyrics (thanks, by the way!). And in case you’re wondering, “Dean emphatically denies this claim“, which is nice. Thanks to Neil, Nigel, Dave, EskimoEric and possibly others whose emails I’ve lost.
See lyrics to The Bastard Son Of Dean Friedman
Brian
Surely it’s “I would shed a lonely tear”?
Can’t really imagine shedding a lovely tear…
28 August 2008
Dave Betts
Isn’t it ‘lonely tear’?
29 August 2008
halfarsed
shed a LONELY tear? no?
29 August 2008
Chris The Siteowner
Hmmm, let’s say it’s “shed a lonely tear” shall we? 🙂
29 August 2008
Bill Stow
The spelling of the german football team should either be Borussia Moenchengladbach or if use of the umlaut is required then it would be Borussia Monchengladbach with the two dots over the ‘o’.Confusing them with Munchen with the umlaut over the ‘u’ or Muenchen if no umlaut will cause you to be visited by the Borussia skins who will smash your windows as the home side always wins. Moenchengladbach is North Germany whereas Muenchen is in the south.
I would have passed my Geography O level if I could have found my way to the exam room
yours etc
Bill
7 February 2009
Chris The Siteowner
Oops. I would not like to offend the Borussia Skins. It’s bad enough having the Stromsgodset under fives running amok in the village.
7 February 2009
Chris The Siteowner
Dean Friedman has posted A Baker’s Tale on to Soundcloud. This is his response to TBSODF, as performed at the Bilston gig in 2010.
4 July 2011
Bobby String
Interesting to see he describes Nigel as “punk’s greatest lyricist” – not sure NB would be flattered by the use of either ‘punk’ or ‘lyricist’ to describe him.
Ô¿Ô
4 July 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
A Baker’s Tale is by no means the worst song I’ve ever heard (that would probably be by Phil Collins). – I shall categorize it in my ‘Strange, Quirky or Downright Uncatagorizable’ file alongside Susanna and the Magical Orchestra’s version of ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’ and Ivor Cutler’s’ Life in a Scotch Sitting Room’.
Notice that the other track Dean has posted on Soundcloud is called Hob-Nobbin’. Is the man biscuit obsessed?
4 July 2011
John Burscough
Dean Friedman’s on tour throughout October; anybody fancy going along to see if he’ll play ABT?
1 September 2011
Chris The Siteowner
Ooh, and he’s at LIPA too: Dean Friedman tells Jade Wright why he’s planning revenge on Half Man Half Biscuit
29 September 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
Yes, according to the article, he’s planning to “extract” (sic) his revenge. Tut, tut.
29 September 2011
TWO FAT FEET
Maybe he’s planning to “extract” the urine. Something of a one-sided contest judging by his efforts so far.
29 September 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
The phrase “one legged man at an arse-kicking contest” springs to mind.
29 September 2011
Gregg Z
Mr. Dreadnought, you are one of the world’s finest gentlemen. I’ve always thought the “one-legged man” phrase is about the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
As for Mr. Friedman, if he is planning to “extract” his revenge, perhaps someone ought to send him a jar of language pills.
Dean Friedman seems to be living off of the success of HMHB. Funny, since the group itself can barely do that..
29 September 2011
John Burscough
Apparently the UK band Half-Man, Half-Biscuit, had a hit with TBSODF.
http://www.thebloomsbury.com/event/run/1575
11 October 2011
Charles Exford
Just seen Jeff’s comment – quality. Yes, in some quarters the ‘historic moment’ feel of Deano’s appearance in Bilston last year has been allowed to mask the fact that his ‘revenge’ song is piss-poor. In fact no, that’s being too harsh on piss.
Apparently he liked the subbuteo streaker I threw on stage though.
11 October 2011
Paddy
Hey hey my my. Page 48 of the London Evening Standard ( it’s free and I only read the gig guide anyway) advert for our old friend Dean Friedman? “Entirely unique, utterly brilliant” sayeth the hitherto unknown magazine Three Weeks which awards five stars. (£25 a ticket seems a bit steep)
21 October 2011
Archie D Walker
This song tells my story…the kids at school mocked ME in my secondhand clothes,then my dad used to play Shopping Bag Ladies BY dean Friedman and tell me I should listen to the words..
8 October 2012
Pop-Tart Mark
How old are you, Archie? Deano was born 1955, active in NJ/NY during the 70’s, first in UK about 1978 – maybe your dad was trying to find a way to tell you more?
8 October 2012
archie d walker
hi pop-tart mark,i’m thirty,born 1st august 1982,and under a different name! my ‘father’,the man who had a mullet in his passport photo when i was young,told me as soon as my mother left him,that i was ‘different to my younger brothers’,had curly hair,”which nobody in [his] family had”,….aaalso,he would tell me when i was growing up,a couple of times,that he had his camera bag stolen in 1981(“about nine months before i was born(as i recall!what ever time it was before i was born,i HAD been conceived))….
yeh,i was brought up with a deano from when i was 11years old…used to like him.was shocked when i saw he’d died a few years ago(on youtube comments)…..used to like dean’s songs,theres an amazing video on youtube of shopping bag ladies,he was fantastic!
the odd thing is,and the ONLY reason i think i’m a celebs illegit son,three months after my 18th(2000),i heard a voice (the first ‘thought’ i knew wasnt my own) in my bedroom oine night,it just said “you are the new messiah”…since then i’ve been reaqding tons of stuff in music….e.g.song 2 by blur…it was me who had my head done when i was young(hit by a car 4 days before my 13th birthday,funnily enough,my friend(who i was with)has told me i was spread-eagled on the tarmac,blowing bubbles in my blood,which was coming out of the back of my head)….much like the hmhb album cover for 90 bisodol!!!
going back to song 2,i had my head ‘checked’ in late half of 2001,in my first flat(and before i was sectioned)…stood at backdoor smoking heard “look for a sign”,and realised i was looking at a plane in the night sky,the lights on it resembled a set of stars in the sky.two years later from a hospital friend who had a book of starmaps,i realised it was pegasus constellation[symbolises rebirth)….
there’s obviously a LOT of information from my whole life that supports my messianic claims,e.g.aged 14 months,before i could walk my mum,’father’ and i were on holiday in portugal.i could only crawl,but swam in the deep end of the pool with my inflatables on…some five/six year old girls at the hotel called me ‘super nick’!!!!lol…ironic….[wich is the alanis morrisette song!!!]
29 October 2012
archie d walker
also,just another song by hmhb,hair like bryan may blues….i have very curly hair!
29 October 2012
archie d walker
look dad no tunes…..my mulletheaded stepfather would always,ALWAYS dismiss music of the 90’s,my teen years,as “has no tune”…..it got very tedious! another insightful; hmhb song,which i cannot find on this site is ‘quality janitor’….its very embarassing,but when i was 12 years of age,we had an au-pair called janetta[slovakian]….after spending six months of acting improperly towards me,she married the man with the mullet….soooo,its more “good one janetta”…maybe?i hope so!!lol
29 October 2012
archie d walker
going back to my “‘illness'”,six months after the voice[you are the new messiah],and one month after a picture of me was printed on page 3 of The Times,on 27th march 2001,[it was associated with BBC ‘son of god’ documentary,a skull reconstructed.thought tpo be that of jesus,found near jerualem dating to 1AD],on may 4th 2001 i was out with a friend at about nine pm,i was blinded by a bright light for a minute.after i could see again i said to that friend how “funny it’d be if theres a shooting staqr as well”….that second there was five or six,star spangled banner like.
29 October 2012
archie d walker
also,mulletfather told me throughout my teens to ‘read this book’,called “a laymans guide to psychiatry and psychoanlysis”,wehich he’d been given in 1978 by his first wife.the case of ‘cary fayton’ IS my illness,to a tee!judgingf from one sentence that the author staes cary wouldnt speak to his mother,”just smiled and asked her ‘do you like porridge'”i guess it was the father of scientology’s founder.ron hubbard snr.
29 October 2012
archie d walker
it was ME who ‘tended the wrong grave for 23 years’!!!ie.saw the wrong man as dad.
29 October 2012
archie d walker
its funny…i first heard hmhb in virgin megastore,Reading,aged 14.it was voyage album,with the phones pressed hard against my ears,so it was loud,i yelled to my friends “this is f@*?ing excellent!”.they were stood about ten metres away,i left the store with them,and didnt hear hmhb again.BUT,on looking intyo hmhb on youtube a year ago,i realised ‘mr cave is a wndow cleaner now’ was recorded four daysw after i came out of my coma,which was due to the head injury.obviously,i was a ‘nick’ up until age 28.
30 October 2012
archie d walker
and also…mulletman said the following to me several times when i was age 17-18…”when i took you and your mother in”,so he really hadnt met my mum when i was born!!!
31 October 2012
archie d walker
and grandmother mullet[r.i.p.],who died when i was 16,remarked a few months before she passed away,”nick’s definitely a mother’s son”
31 October 2012
chrisp
Went to see Shaun Keaveny’s “Live + Langurous” at Edinburgh Fringe on Wed 21/8/13 (well, the tickets were free!!), and his final Special Guest was none other than Mr Friedman himself, who regaled us with his well spun tale of first hearing the HMHB classic, then tore into “A Baker’s Tale” (“tore” might be exaggerating a tad, but he gave it his best) before sprinting off into the wings……. a truly wonderful and unexpected surprise (………not THAT big a surprise, it did say “Dean Friedman” on Shaun’s hand written poster on the stage, but I couldn’t read the yellow ink from my seat…)
3 September 2013
featureless tv producer steve
I don’t really like being a pedantic prick about punctuation (Oh, who am I kidding? I LOVE being a pedantic prick about punctuation! We all do! That’s why we’re here!), but when I opened my browser this evening the first verse of this song popped up in The Famous Half Man Half Biscuit Random Lyrics Generator™, and it got me to wondering – should there really be a question mark at the end of it? Surely his mates aren’t really asking him if he knows whether or not they have news for him.
Ergo, I strongly request removal of the question mark. Simple elimination would be acceptable, as would replacement with an exclamation point. Perhaps we can put that up for debate. But surely the question mark must go.
7 February 2016
FLintlock
I think either a question mark or exclamation mark would correct, and I think an exclamation mark would be more appropriate given the context.
7 February 2016
EXXO
Clinical finishing from the featureless one.
And all this without – one assumes – the benefit of being a regular viewer of the mighty-but-not-as-funny-as-it-used-to-be ‘Have I Got News for You’ (proudly unpunctuated for about 50 series)
7 February 2016
featureless tv producer steve
Exactly. Because I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
7 February 2016
Chris The Siteowner
Yep, no question that the question mark should be a distant third choice between that, an exclamation mark and nothing. I’m inclined to zero, as the Romans wouldn’t have said. There are a lot of places in the lyrics where we might have added exclamation marks, and in general, we’ve avoided them as being unnecessary. But happy to make exceptions if that be the will of the people.
7 February 2016
EXXO
Blimey, about 2 a.m. on a Sunday morning where you are, isn’t it?
‘Have I Got News for You?’ is the grandaddy of UK satirical panel shows – and when US comedian Reginald D. Hunter appears as a panellist he generally has even less idea than you do what’s going on.
Which makes your insights all the more perspicacious.
7 February 2016
EXXO
aaargh I just put the question mark in undermining the whole bloody point.
Bought the ‘drowsy’ Lemsip by mistake at Poundland yesterday.
7 February 2016
featureless tv producer steve
Hey now, Exxo, be careful with the slandering of comedians. I have no idea who Reginald Hunter is, but I guarantee you, whoever he is, he has a better idea of what’s going on than I do.*
And CtSO, while I respect your general avoidance of the exclamation mark, what with its obvious subjectiveness, there are many places where I’ve silently wished you’d use it. Coming immediately to mind is “Give me a spork”, which, every time I see it, I not only want an exclamation point, but I want it to read “GIMME A SPORK!”
But maybe that’s just me.
*And yes, Exxo, it’s pushing a well-oiled 2:30 am here. What of it?
7 February 2016
Peter mcornithologist
@ Mr.Steve. Are you in Oregon?
7 February 2016
featureless tv producer steve
Yes sir, Mr. McOrinithologist, I am. Portland, to be precise.
7 February 2016
warwick Hunt
Very much in agreement with Exxo regarding ‘Have I Got News For You’. The finest TV programme of my lifetime – even an average edition is way better than just about anything else that passes for ‘entertainment’ on the box these days.
8 February 2016
Maddog
There does seem to be an excessive shortage of exclamation marks in the world.
I mean,
If ever an album title was in dire need of an exclamation mark……
see..?
ooh look! A question mark.! Kill it.. quick.!
11 March 2016
dr desperate
Dean Friedman posted a link on FB yesterday to StoneyCroft1’s YouTube clip of TBSODF being played at Holmfirth last weekend. One of his followers advised him to change his password as it was obviously a hacker notice, to which he replied, “Actually this is a really funny song by the great punk band, Half-Man Half-Biscuit. Not a hack. I posted it myself. The REAL Dean Friedman! Seriously, check it out!”
Good man, yourself.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKzpPn0pGuY
19 March 2016
Paul f
Nice work Mr Friedman.
19 March 2016
Alice Van Der Meer
If you search Fartbook for Dean Friedman, a little note pops up that reads “also a meber of Half Man Half Biscuit Society”…
20 March 2016
GOK WAN ACOLYTE
Given Nigel’s admission at the Holmfirth gig that he meant to change tumour to puma (presumably a reference to this ), what could the first verse have been?
Well I heard a lovely rumour that Bette Midler had a puma
So gleefully I went to tell my friends
But they said “no, she’s not, it is just an ocelot,
And by the way, have we got news for you”
21 March 2016
EXXO
But they told me to stop pryin’ for she had no mountain lion,
But they said I had misheard, a ‘cougar’ is an older bird
But they said it was a misquote based on the star’s fur coat,
But they said ‘it’s tantamount to slandering a catamount’
But they called me a lying get, she had no exotic pet
And my favourite
They said I’d misheard about the ‘panther’ and in fact the star had cancer
OK, OK, you win with the ocelot line. As long as you change ‘she’s not’ to ‘she has not ‘or ‘she does not’.
21 March 2016
dr desperate
Bit late to mention it now, but the Spine Line competition in Issue 232 of FourFourTwo magazine (October 2013) used the line “And they mocked me in my mocks and embroidered in my socks” as a clue to Borussiamönchengladbach. My ex-APL in the Scouts won a pair of Trusox by correctly identifying it.
And so it goes.
23 August 2016
Brumbiscuit
Did our protagonist go to school in Norwich?
https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2016/sep/08/missing-piece-lost-magritte-painting-discovered-norwich
8 September 2016
featureless tv producer steve
Totally off the topics du jour, but how familiar is everyone here with the works of Dean Friedman? I just now learned that he has a song titled “Lucky Stars.”
Right, I’ve been an HMHB fan for a few years now, so it shouldn’t surprise me at this point that NB10 is making references that are going right past me, but seeing that song title makes me wonder how many more references there are in this song to actual Dean Friedman lyrics. Obviously, being the busy and important person that I am, I can’t be arsed to start sifting through all Dean Friedman’s lyrics to find them, but this certainly can’t be the only one, right?
Any Dean Friedman aficionados out there to help us out?
11 February 2017
CHARLES EXFORD
I don’t think it’s about being an aficionado, Steve, it’s just normal exposure if you listened to UK chart music at a formative age. ‘Lucky Stars’ is parodied because it was one of those annoying hits that was over-played. The parody is unmissable to our generation, which is probably why nobody pointed it out (somebody please show me how to do webpages with references embedded).
There were two follow up singles, one of which (‘Lydia’) was almost as successful and almost or equally as annoying. But there are no other references, and it is unlikely that Mr. B has ever heard any other songs by this man except that pathetic excuse for a ‘riposte’ that a seven year-old could have written during recess.
11 February 2017
CHARLES EXFORD
You are familiar with Alan Partridge yeah Steve? ‘Lucky Stars’ and ‘Lydia’ are just the sort of records that he (i.e. the real local radio DJs upon which Partridge was based) would play and love on Radio Norfolk when the records first came out, and then hold up throughout his broadcasting career as indisputable classics. This type of DJ is still giving occasional mentions to the regular appearance of Dean Friedman at the Arts Centre in Great Yarmouth.
11 February 2017
featureless tv producer steve
No, I don’t know this Alan Partridge. You should know by now not to underestimate my ignorance about these things. I remember Shirley and Keith, of course, and Laurie, played by the occasionally-lovely-if-she-didn’t-always-look-like-she-was-about-to-cry Susan Dey, and the drug addict Danny. Then there were two little kids whose names I don’t remember. Was the boy named Alan?
Still, odd that Friedman seems to have been much bigger in the UK than he was in the states. I vaguely remember his song “Ariel”, but I’ve never heard of “Lucky Stars” or “Lydia.”
12 February 2017
Arm Breaking SWan
“I vaguely remember his song “Ariel”, but I’ve never heard of “Lucky Stars” or “Lydia.””
Consider yourself truly blessed Steve; the appalling Lucky Stars is one of the most cringe-worthy songs ever released.It should only be listened to when in need of an emetic.
12 February 2017
Brumbiscuit
Deano (for thus he was dubbed at Bilston) was/is probably bigger in the New England drippy-dippy–hippy fraternity than any other group I can think of. Certainly not mainstream; not now, not then. One of the Radio 1 DJs of the time (the awful Blackburn or the even more dreadful Edmunds or Travis?) might have picked up on the tune, who knows (or cares)?
Talking of dreadful DJs, Alan Partridge is definitely worth looking up.
12 February 2017
GOK WAN ACOLYTE
“I vaguely remember his song “Ariel”, but I’ve never heard of “Lucky Stars” or “Lydia.””
I actually quite liked ‘Ariel’, but then again I also have a soft spot for ‘Oh Lori” (q.v.)
I guess on other music forums expressing this sort of view might result in a opprobrium from others, so I’m glad this is a site where irking the purists is not only condoned but expected.
(‘Lucky Stars’ and ‘Lydia’ are a pile of shite though)
12 February 2017
GOK WAN ACOLYTE
@FTVPS – Everything you need to know about Alan Partridge https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Partridge
12 February 2017
Peter Mcornithologist
In my humble opinion the version of Lydia crooned by Graucho is a more pleasurable experience.
12 February 2017
dr desperate
According to ‘The Scotsman’, Deano turned up at the Liquid Room, Edinburgh in 2003 and met the band backstage. Nigel told him, “Everyone sang ‘Lucky Stars’ at my school”, and admitted that he owned a copy of his second album ‘”Well Well”, said the Rocking Chair’ (which contained all the DF songs mentioned above and much, much more).
‘Lucky Stars’, with its chorus “You can thank your lucky stars that we’re not as smart as we’d like to think we are” came out in late ’78, when Nigel would have been studying for his mocks.
http://cobweb.businesscollaborator.com/hmhb/guest/2003/030808edinburgh/Friedman.html
13 February 2017
CHARLES EXFORD
Well remembered, John. I would have said there was a strong chance that Mr. B was just being polite when he said “I’ve got the Rocking Chair album…” if he hadn’t also gone on to say “which is worth loads. You see it in rarity catalogues.”
I also notice him telling Deano “when you say, ‘No, I’m not being nice,’ … I like that bit.” So he presumably doesn’t like the rest of it.
13 February 2017
FAIRY LAD
It’s not quite correct that there are no other references to Dean Friedman songs. The line “the bastard son of Dean Friedman” I would say is referencing the line ” don’t pity me, you beautiful bastard boy” from the song “shopping bag ladies” on Friedmans rocking chair album.
19 March 2018
surprised of anglia
I notice that our local arts festival (where the beak is weak), features both The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican and Dean Friedman. Thankfully the poster doesn’t promise much, much more.
4 April 2019
Lord leominster
Whilst we’re on the whole capitalisation thing of He/Him/Me (see J is for… Junior Kick Start) the line “but I hope to god I’m not” should be “but I hope to God I’m not”. The omission of an upper case G stands out, particularly when situated next to Mum and Dad in the same lyrics. I did wonder if the lower case g might be a secular statement but the precedent was set in the first line of the first song: “What did God give us, Neil?” I make this observation from both a theological and a grammatical perspective, knowing both to be central tenets of this site.
(Fair point – CtSO)
20 October 2020
Mike Singleton – Mikeydred
Possibly the funniest reference to a #Bundesliga #FootballTeam Borussiamönchengladbach by #HalfManHalfBiscuit #NigelBlackwell “SupercalifragilisticBorussiaMönchengladbach” https://vocal.media/poets/supercalifragilistic-borussia-moenchengladbach?via=mike
15 June 2022