Even if yer missus doesn’t “get” Half Man Half Biscuit, Paintball’s Coming Home is the one she’ll still laugh at. The “Annie Lennox” line remains funny even on the millionth listening. Probably the best-ever example of Nigel’s favourite past-time of ranting against middle class twats. Loads of live variations too.
See lyrics of Paintball’s Coming Home
Chris
They watch Top Gear re-runs on Channel Dave
They watch Top Gear re-runs on Channel Dave
They watch Top Gear re-runs on Channel Dave
And say: “It’s not just for Petrolheads…”
(From the Cornbury Festival 2008)
20 July 2008
Neil
Also heard live: “They got the Rat Pack CD in the checkout queue…” and “They got the Best of Johnny Cash in the checkout queue…” – the latter with a “I shot a man in Tesco – just to watch him die” bit. Can’t remember the pay-off lines though!
30 July 2008
Blackstock Street Pete
“If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides!”……………It does’nt get much better than this!!!!!!!!!!
2 August 2008
Ricardo
I can’t remember it from Bath last Thursday, due to too much leaping, but it was something like…
They’d do absolutely anything to be in…
They’d do absolutely anything to be in…
They’d do absolutely anything to be in…
The Top Gear audience.
13 August 2009
A Healthier Lifestyle
There are two extra verses that can clearly be heard on the bootleg from The Arches, Glasgow, 21st May 2009;
They go through hell and high water for the chance
They go through hell and high water for the chance
They go through hell and high water for the chance
To be in the Top Gear audience
They’re really into their music, their tastes are broad
They’re really into their music, their tastes are broad
They’re really into their music, their tastes are broad
From Coldplay right through to U2
15 August 2009
Ant
they like their music slightly cutting edge
they like their music slightly cutting edge
they like their music slightly cutting edge
from x right through to x
x = insert favourite middle of the road drivel here….
13 February 2010
Tangerine Wizard.
This is my dad’s favourite Biscuit’s song.The last line cracks him up every time.
11 June 2012
Alan Alan sunderLand @ therealvalins
They like their humour slightly cutting edge
They like their humour slightly cutting edge
They like their humour slightly cutting edge
And in the last twelve months alone
They’ve been to see Al Murray pub landlord
They’ve been to see Al Murray pub landlord
Omid Djalili …..
Can’t remember the rest,any offers?
8 September 2013
Royston Robertson
Have been playing this on the ukulele (the main tune is just two chords, C and G7) so it’s great to have these extra lyrics, though it’s probably not long before we get: “He plays the ukulele in the pub with mates …” The newer lyrics already include me as my wife is known to buy soup in cartons!
11 May 2014
Xenophon Hendrix
Someone explain the title, please.
21 June 2014
toastkid
Xenophon – I guess that “Paintball’s coming home” is a reference to “Football’s coming home”, the chorus from 3 Lions, a 1998 world cup song by Ian Broudie from the Lightning Seeds with David Baddiel & Frank Skinner. I’m not sure why Paintball’s in there in particular: it does get a mention in Fear My Wraith too – “The undead hate all fundraising stalwarts, in camouflage …firing paint in some private woodland, frightening the birds”.
21 June 2014
Chris The Siteowner
“Paintball” surely because it’s the sort of activity “those” people would be likely to indulge in, along with ten pin bowling and going up in hot air balloons. As opposed to playing football.
(Although of course “They’ll be football experts, all through June“)
21 June 2014
moo palatinate 2000
Lennox / Lenor … should we be told
22 June 2014
Xenophon Hendrix
Thanks. No wonder Google failed to be enlightening.
23 June 2014
dickhead in quicksand
Whiff-whaff is coming home. Please shine up your toecaps and form an orderly queue.
4 July 2015
Bobby SVARC
Have a Happy New Year everyone, Hopefully, I can get to a few Midlands gigs in 2016. Peace.
@PeterMac: I see that Lee Won Pen has been awarded the OBE, let’s hope he doesn’t fall on his arse while they’re pinning it on.
31 December 2015
Brumbiscuit
I’d echo that sentiment, Bobby. Maybe there’ll be an Assembly gig in Leamington… I’d like to see another Bath one.
If LWP falls on his arse, at least it’ll be a soft landing on all that bog roll he has to shift.
31 December 2015
peter mcornithologist
I wonder if he was awarded it for his services to diving or for his services to keeping the nations bottoms spick and span?
31 December 2015
Mariner
At the recent Bristol gig they included the Top Gear verse, which ends…
And say: “It’s not just for Petrolheads…”
To which Nigel added as an aside, ‘No it’s for knobheads as well.’
3 March 2016
Dick Quax
Me and a mate have been doing this as part of our set for a bit, adding in the verses from various live performances as and when. Well now we’ve run out. And so…
They voted Brexit but regret it now….
Because it’s put up the price of a gite.
They drive a 4×4 with seven seats…
whadda y’know it’s never been off road.
She believes her horoscopes are real….
And logs onto Mumsnet twice a day.
They only ever bought a lottery ticket once….
The bastards won 60 grand.
3 November 2016
Slateski
I’m missing:
They treat the Mercury music prize with awe…
…Obviously that’s just jealousy on my part.
20 June 2017
(not locked in) Rock City Notts
After last night at Holmfirth, the cat that chose them now has its own Facebook page.
23 September 2017
chris boardman
I’m into stating the bleeding obvious today: if I’d known they were coming I’d have slashed me wrists = 1950s hit ‘If I’d known you were coming I’d have baked a cake’.
If I were a linesman…= If I Were a Rich Man, from Fiddler on the Roof.
HTH.
18 October 2017
Jeff dreadnought
@Chris, a while ago I compiled a whole list of such bleedin’ obvious references (on the lists thread) and even turned it into a Spotify playlist, which I add to every now and again (with the inevitable result that the Spotify algorithm has me down as a big fan of the likes of Black Lace and Box Scaggs, and as a result keeps making suggestions about other similar acts I might enjoy). There are also some musical (rather than lyrical) references that I didn’t include – obvious ones (like the snippet of Digital in Joy Division Oven Gloves and the Wedding March from Wagner’s Lohengrin in RSVP) but also some less obvious ones that may just be a figment of my imagination. For instance, is the echo of Robert Plant’s Misty Mountain Hop in King of Hi Vis deliberate? And is She’s in Broadstairs a conscious nod to Squeeze’s Up the Junction?
20 October 2017
Eric olthwaite
@Jeff D I’d always imagined that She’s in Broadstairs is a nod to She’s in Parties by Bauhaus.
21 October 2017
John anderson
Upon seeing a shot of a swan in her monitor, Alison Mitchell has told BT Sport Ashes viewers “don’t get too close, they can be vicious creatures”. But she stopped short of suggesting s broken arm could ensue.
15 December 2017
Cream cheese and chives
Enjoyed the Peaky Blinders reference at Edinburgh. Couldn’t be at Holmfirth but really hope that soon people who fly drones in the countryside might be added to the list of annoying characteristics. A stunning walk up Blencathra yesterday was blighted by an endless whirring at the top as some pillock flew his new toy around.
22 June 2019
transit full of keith
We know from the Northampton gig that they’re not running short of bog roll, but I wonder how Paintball couple are otherwise coping with lockdown? One half is running a weekly Pilates class on Zoom for her homeworking colleagues, I reckon. Just to keep their spirits up.
17 April 2020
Cream cheese and chives
I assume she is posting humorous videos of Prince being homeschooled into barking when the Eurthymics come on the radio while he will have started some sort of videoblog where he tries to be funny , philosophical and idiotically political.Chiefly he uses it to show off the trappings of his home office.
17 April 2020