You don’t have to like football to find The Referee’s Alphabet amusing – although it’s the sort of song only a lower-league terrace-dweller would be inspired to write. Now even more than when the song was written, umpteen million football fans are screaming “Surely a bit of controversy is part of the game’s appeal?” at the TV every Saturday night when Hansen and company drone on about wanting video replays for refs. Sorry, rant over. Great song. And one of only two Half Man Half Biscuit songs (I think) to mention an Ipswich Town player. Makes me swell with pride, it does. Thanks to (deep breath) Jon F, Paul, gNick and Mr Larrington.
See lyrics to The Referee’s Alphabet
Martin
And possibly the only song to mention a West Brom player. At least you got Alan Brazil in another song 🙂
13 September 2008
Neil G
Just one thing, it should be ‘a’ not ‘the’ Portuguese centre half ‘whom I’ve’ just dismissed.
Zeal Monochorum. What’s that doing in Devon? As weird names go, that’s up there with the best of them.
13 September 2008
RobJ
But didn’t Garth Crooks turn out out for the Baggies as well?
15 September 2008
Martin
Oh God yeah Rob, of course he did. 🙁 I’d managed to repress that.
If possible, I think I liked him even less then……..
17 September 2008
Neil G
I hate to bring this up again, but it should be ‘whom I’ve just dismissed’ not ‘whom I just dismissed’. Past perfect, I think, and the ‘v’ sound is clearly audible. I’m sorry, I am pulling the anorak around my face to hide my reddening cheeks.
18 September 2008
John Anderson
After the line “The P is for the penalty shootout Great drama and no pressure on me” I’m sure I can detect something muttered quietly as an aside. I think it may be (hopefully).
7 February 2009
Bill Stow
In the words for the letter U – ‘shouting’ should be ‘chanting’ I think
regards
Bill
11 February 2009
Richard
Zeal Monochorum. What’s that doing in Devon? As weird names go, that’s up there with the best of them.
According to the villages website its likely to mean ‘cell (or site) of the monks, althought there are a few theories. btw I dont think they know just how famous they now are – place names being immortalised by HMHB is an honour only passed on to the lucky many!
12 February 2009
Richard
This is taken from their newsletter;
the village tends to be kept neat and tidy and hedges and banks are normally well trimmed.
Sounds like Chatteris to me, which is a bit errie. Dont think they have a drive by shouting problem though.
12 February 2009
Charles Exford
The at-first-impressive etymological footnote at http://zeal-monachorum.co.uk/history.html is frustrating because it doesn’t incorporate the key historical fact in the main article (by a different author) – that “The sale of the manor of Monckenzeale or Zealemonachorum is reported in documents of 1616.” This is surely the “Rosetta Stone” for translating this particular place name, as well as a graphic illustration of how history can produce hybrid placenames with roots in more than one language.
Nor does it incorporate the key geographical fact that 10 miles away (to the South) is the village of South Zeal, where nobody disputes that “Zeal” is Old English for “hall”. So then Z.M. clearly means “hall of the monks”, and yes, there are plenty of precedents for place names being only half translated from one language to another. Look at plenty of placenames in Wales or Ireland for a start, and then, well….Ashby-de-la-Zouche, Hutton-le-Hole, etc anybody ?
(Co)incidentally, South Zeal is home to the Dartmoor Folk Festival (Stewards needed according to the website – if you bring your own Hi-Vis you’ve got the gig, basically).
And not even more (co)incidentally, “of the monks” is also the translation for “Moenchen” in “Supercalifragilistic Borussia Moenchengladbach.” So there.
Cheers,
Exxo the Exxomologist.
12 February 2009
Ben
@Bill Stow, it’s definitely ‘chanting’, listened to it today with a keen ear.
12 February 2009
Ben
Charles, my favourite one of those is just north of Northallerton, ‘Thornton Le Beans’ – whenever I drive past it, I involuntarily say it out loud in a cod Geordie accent – sometimes with the “Man” suffix – as it reminds me of Michael from I’m Alan Partridge admonishing Alan after he looks confused at his doorstep offering:”
Ya nivva tried a cup of beans man!?”
12 February 2009
Richard
The ZM website is brilliant. They invite the local police to attend who mention that the have the power to ‘deal’ with vehicles likely to cause offence (an Allegro?). The committee then add that they don’t have much of a problem with car crime (that Chatteris link again) then mutter darkly that ‘it is interesting to know that this power exists’ . Its a great window into Middle England concerns.
I may move there and lower the tone a bit.
12 February 2009
Daryl
Like John Anderson, I’ve always had a sneaking suspicion that there’s a “hopefully” after the “P is for the penalty shootout” line, although there’s no way of proving it to be so…
7 April 2009
@steve_nicholls
is it possible – as I always heard it – that the Gnarled Face belongs to someone on £19,000 a week, rather than £90,000?
As the song was written (presumably) in 2001/2002, would £19,000 a week have been the more common and outrageous salary for a Premier League footballer in those days?
(ah, those were the days, when players like McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt, would have to supplement their £19,000 a week wages by working a full shift down the pits)
13 January 2010
Dave F.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andoni_Zubizarreta
According to his wiki page it’s two r’s & one t.
30 May 2010
Mr Larrington
And according to Wikiwossname it should be Roddy McDowall, with an “a”.
6 October 2010
Mr Larrington
Additional: it seems that Walter Pidgeon’s character was actually called “Mr. Gruffydd” but I am not sufficiently versed in Welshish to know how this is pronounced.
6 October 2010
Chris The Siteowner
Good spots, both of ’em. Amazing how a page can have been read by so many hundreds (indeed, looks like thousands) of people and nobody’s pointed it out. Anyway, Roddy duly corrected, and although I’m from East Anglia, not the valleys, I can check these things on teh interwebs as well as anyone.
6 October 2010
TWO FAT FEET
Just curious really, maybe it’s just the fact that Nigel clearly makes a mistake but they still went with this take, but was this track actually recorded live (as in ‘on stage’)? I’d guess it would be at a soundcheck given that there is no apparent crowd noise, but then thinking about it, the idea of them even having a soundcheck, let alone using it to try out new material, sounds just too professional. [dons tin hat in anticipation of Mr Exford’s reply]
24 March 2011
Peter Gandy
The sleevenotes say that the track was recorded live in Stapleton Wood, Caldy on 24th June 2002. The rest of the album was recorded at Frog Studios in Warrington.
25 March 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Personally I think ‘the mistake’ improves the track, as does the ‘How Green was my Valley’ change of direction. I’ve always known it was recorded live but I’ve often wondered if Nigel was doing it from memory or reading it from a lyric sheet (a la John Cooper Clarke)
25 March 2011
TWO FAT FEET
sorry I must have missed that bit re the recording, although I still wonder whether it was at a soundcheck rather than the gig itself. CD’s in the loft now, haven’t seen it for years as it’s all copied to my computer. Sounds like he was doing it from memory, or at least not referring to the lyric sheet too often, but big up to him for keeping the rhythm when he cocked it up.
25 March 2011
Daryl
I think there should be an ellipsis (…) between “shown a” and “card”, to illustrate Nigel’s screw up on the first attempt at the letter S.
7 July 2011
Third Rate Les
I think that falls into what Chris The Siteowner describes as his “spelling an interviewee’s laugh” category.
8 July 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
I’ve been affected by a strange disquiet, which has gnawed away at me for some time, regarding the recording of this song and I’ve just realised what it is. According to our very own Giant Set List Chart (and I’m claiming this as the ultimate authority) it has never been played live. A quick bit of sleuthing reveals that only 2 gigs were played in 2002 anyway, neither in Stapledon Wood, Caldy on 24th June. Anyway there isn’t a venue there, is there? Isn’t it a National Trust, nature reservey type place. (Excuse my savage ignorance but it’s a long way from New York to the Wirral Peninsula.)
Then the penny starts to descend. It doesn’t say ‘recorded live at Stapledon Wood, Caldy’ but ‘recorded live in Stapledon Wood, Caldy’. After all it’s not ‘Cheap Trick Live in the Budokan’ is it, but ‘at’? ‘At’ implies a venue, ‘in’ implies, – I don’t really know what ‘in’ implies but it has got me asking the question, ‘so was this track recorded live in some magical meadow, glade or forest clearing, with hastily recruited Jays and Warblers providing the bird noises?’ It certainly wasn’t recorded at a gig; soundcheck or otherwise. I’m intrigued. Is anyone able to shed any further shafts of light on this mystery?
Oh and by the way, it sounds to me more like ‘Some good bird noises there, boy’, rather than ‘Paul’.
27 August 2011
TWO FAT FEET
I thought it actually was “by the way” with regard to the bird noises. Could be explained by the nature reserve connection I suppose.
30 August 2011
Charles Exford
I’ve always assumed the “recorded live in Stapledon Wood” thing is a birding joke.The track doesn’t sound like it’s recorded live in the woods, despite that one-take feel with the cock-up and all.
But articles such as this one often contain the sentence “recorded in Stapledon Wood”.
But it’s definitely a query worth adding to the list.
31 August 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
It occurred to me a couple of days after I’d posted 26 that ‘recorded live in Stapledon Wood’ was possibly a somewhat less than accurate sleevenote and that I’d been ‘Blackwelled’.
31 August 2011
nigel, no not that one (nx3to)
I hear “by the way” too.
31 August 2011
John Burscough
If you’re up for a bit of meta-pedantry, Vendor, it’s “Cheap Trick Live at Budokan” (like Bob Dylan). In the days when we had to make our own entertainment, I used to amuse myself by pronouncing “The Who Live At Leeds” with a short ‘ i ‘.
1 September 2011
Mr Larrington
If you’re up for even more pedantry, the album is called “Cheap Trick At Budokan”.
It worries me that I possess this information.
1 September 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Pedantry is, as pedantry does John. The album is actually called ‘Cheap Trick at Budokan’ apparently; no Live (long or short ‘i’) and no definite article. Never heard it, but I bet that I wouldn’t enjoy it. Anyway it wouldn’t fit with ‘I’m a dirty great big Five Nations fan’ without the additional words.
1 September 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
You beat me to it Mr. L. I’ll console myself with the knowledge that I didn’t possess the information without the aid of Mr Google and Mr Wikipedia.
1 September 2011
John Burscough
Quite so, quite so. I haven’t heard the album either, but it does contain one of the best live recordings of all the time, “I want you to want me”, which topped the charts in 1979 (in Holland).
1 September 2011
Charles Exford
Spectacular pedantry from John. Chapeau.
However as NB57 is quoting some CAMRA bloke in the pub the discrepancy is a lovely character touch that we can credit as deliberate. Of 18 artistes on wikipedia with live at Budokan albums, 4 are “live at THE Budokan”
Live at the Budokan (Bryan Adams album), 2003 album
Live at the Budokan (Blur album), 1996 album
Live at the Budokan (Chic album), 1999 album
Live at the Budokan (Ian Gillan Band album), 1977-1978 album
The last-mentioned would have been played a great deal, along with the Cheap Trick album, on the Great Easton Express, Phil Easton’s rock show that often used to blurt out from an older brother’s radio set, in our house and probably many others on Merseyside. Hence the confusion possibly.
I also note that one artiste has an album called “One Night at Budokan” off which any individual tracks I might wish to download are listed as “Live at THE Budokan”. those Japanese never can get their articls seorted, tsk.
Anyway that song you mention was massive on Merseyside in 1979 too.
1 September 2011
John Anderson
Live at the Budokan (Ian Gillan Band album), 1977-1978 album
That’s sure to be good.
2 September 2011
Tangerine Wizard.
I reckon Narky Blerts would be a great band name.
3 June 2012
ACIDIC REGULATOR
Further to posts 6 (John Anderson) and 14 (Daryl), there definitely is a muttered word after “no pressure on me”. I think (a) it’s “nope” and (b) it might be Neil.
It disturbs me that this matter was first raised more than three years ago and it still hasn’t been addressed with the seriousness it deserves.
30 October 2012
MrSpecialPants
Always sounded like “nope” to me.
5 November 2012
Dr Desperate
Anyone else hear an ‘s’ at the end of ‘Mr Gruffydd’? It’s not there in the name of Walter Pigeon’s character (though the actual quote from the film is “Where IS the light I thought to see in your eye?” in any case).
5 June 2013
argieuk
On the subject of Kissing the badge- a whole site- http://kissedthebadge.com/
Benoît Assou-Ekotto seems to be talking sense again (page 2?)
23 July 2013
EXXO
Alan Green last Sunday commentated about a young England international that “he doesn’t know how to take a legal throw in and he’s on £40,000 a week”. I do think this is a lot worse than being on £90,000 and just wanting a throw-in. I expect my overpaid primadonne to at least be over-competitive in return, and I expect that they should know how to do it legally when they get one.
Better in the song threads than the PBRs these inconsequential little rambles I reckon. Hope you don’t mind.
1 October 2013
EXXO
Loads of fun if they’d given this ref a gun.
http://www.theguardian.com/football/video/2013/oct/25/kuwait-referee-fights-back-video
25 October 2013
Dave Wiggins
The Liverpool Echo reports that the Edge Hill Junior Football League has suspended this weekend’s fixtures, due to the verbal abuse of young referees by, ahem, ‘over-zealous’ parents (aka, utter twats). I have, of course, dashed off a letter containing a marked reference to the award of a throw-in. Let’s see if they run with it.
31 October 2013
Featureless tv producer steve
I’m still new here, but the pedantic zeal which permeates this wonderful site has inspired me (with assistance from a bourbon or three), so I’d like to humbly suggest that “An afternoon with your wife mate” should have a comma. Wouldn’t “An afternoon with your wife, mate” be, pedantically speaking, more correct?
3 March 2014
CHRIS THE SITEOWNER
Yep, I like that.
3 March 2014
Featureless tv producer steve
The last nine months of my life are somehow vindicated. Thank you.
5 March 2014
Chris The Siteowner
Peter in New Zealand emails in to say: “Nigel and the boys could be in line for royalties, as this sure sounds as if its the same tune as The Referee’s Alphabet…”
6 May 2014
toastkid
It does sound very similar. Hard to prove with only four chords though i think.
6 May 2014
Vendor of quack nostrums
Suggest that Nigel puts together something like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYiEesMbe2I
Then drags the good people of Swisse through every court in the land (and beyond if necessary).
6 May 2014
Dr Desperate
“The A is for all my arse, which can be seen at 0.20” (Nicole Kidman)
7 May 2014
Featureless tv producer steve
I was delightfully splashing about in some CLSC this evening, when I started taking mental notes on how many letters of The Referee’s Alphabet are football-specific, as opposed to being applicable to any sport (my count is only 3, with a handful of arguables).
It was then that I noticed that back in August 2011, the venerable Vendor of Quack Nostrums proffered that the lyric should be
“‘Some good bird noises there, boy’, rather than Paul”
It doesn’t appear that his suggestion has ever been properly addressed. Quite frankly, I’m with the VofQM, as I also hear “boy.” At the very least I hear something that rhymes with boy. What is the argument for “Paul’?
11 May 2015
Iguana Andy
This looks fun. Although strictly speaking, it was his own gun…
29 September 2015
Hubert de sAnderling
Surely it’s Norman doing the bird noises?
15 November 2015
dave n barbara
The last few times I’ve heard this song I’ve had to resist a temptation to shout ‘PARKLIFE!’ at the end of the first few lines.
16 August 2016
EXXO
I must admit, as someone who’s been longing for this and arguing for it half my life that I find the justice of these initial VAR incidents extremely moving.
24 January 2018
The harbinger of nothing
Inspired by Ollie the Squid’s post in PBRs, which reminded me of a question in a corner of my mind that lurked…
What on earth is meant by the word “pleat” in this song? Have I missed something really obvious?
5 July 2018
Bobby Svarc
David Pleat?
6 July 2018
The harbinger of nothing
Ah. I was looking for a word rather than a name. Perhaps it needs a capital letter…
I’m not overly familiar with the work of Mr Pleat or why he might help when faced with a fiery participant.
6 July 2018
dr desperate
Actually, I doubt it’s anything to do with the brown-suited one. The joke, such as it is, presumably lies in a humorously over-literal interpretation of the cliché “a quiet word”, the randomness of the word chosen merely adding to the fun.
Jonathan Pearce described Milorad Mazic having one with Willian in last night’s FA Cup quarter-final (his description).
7 July 2018
Bobby Svarc
I would wager that when Nigel was writing it he was thinking about “Pleat” the manager more so than a pleat in a dress or pair of curtains.
7 July 2018
dr desperate
Now I come to think of it, fiery participants might include managers, in which case the quiet reminder “Pleat” might suffice to shame them back to their technical areas.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Egr43shrKQ
7 July 2018
BOBBY SVARC
This sentimental picture was published in the much lamented ‘Where’s The Mony Gone’ Leicester City fanzine, A proper fanzine.
https://ibb.co/f0zh6o
7 July 2018
Chris The Siteowner
I’ve only just come across this rather intriguing compilation, which I would very much like to hear. Alexis Petridis describes it as going “out of its way to uncover the most peculiar football records imaginable, among them a screaming 1967 freakbeat track hymning Queens Park Rangers and the deeply improbable sound of Faces-indebted hard rockers the Quireboys singing about non-league side Blyth Spartans.” As well as TRA, as nobody’s ever called it.
7 February 2019
dr desperate
Cool, particularly the Subbuteo Match Day version which included a 6″ giant Subbuteo player in Saint Etienne colours. Unfortunately it was available exclusively through the band’s official online store, and sold out in a few minutes.
I’ve never heard that Del Viking Show Group song about The Iron, though apparently Peelie once played it. It also featured on a similarly-themed 1989 double LP on the Confection label, which contains something that might be of interest to CtSO.
8 February 2019
dr desperate
That LP with accompanying magazine, both edited by the ‘When Saturday Comes’ lads, is available on eBay for 20 quid.
8 February 2019
emerging from gorse
My word, this has brought back a few memories. As the proud owner of a copy of ‘Flair 1989’ (the double LP on Confection, as mentioned by the good doctor), I can confirm that it’s a treasure trove of wonderfully obscure footy songs. Not too many with much in the way of Biscuit references (Climie Fisher Athletic, perhaps), but containing genuine gems, such as ‘Flags Of Glory’ (in honour of Kilmarnock) & this magnificent tribute to Kingstonian by The Norbitones: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEIFXhep16I
8 February 2019
Chris The Siteowner
I’ve always wanted to do a football music blog, but Football And Music already does it better than I ever could. One day I’ll try to get the whole of the legendary 101 Songs About Sport posted online though.
8 February 2019
paul f
@DrD – my failing eyesight combined with how my monitor displays this website, led me to think there had been a Spinal Tap-style feet and inches error in your post. That would be some special edition – containing a 6 foot Subbuteo player.
8 February 2019
Cream cheese and chives
K is for kissing of the badge.
After the semi today could P be for Putting on the Mexican Wrestler’s Mask.
He will feel stupid for a long long time ,no matter which club he plays for.
7 April 2019
paul f
F is for going fucking mental when Tranmere win in the play offs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sG6AY0snB0w
14 May 2019
EXXO
So, several pages of really interesting and generally positive changes to absorb, and only “H” will need editing in the unlikely case of a live outing. https://drive.google.com/file/d/1A76gwnR9lW9nA2w2nyAj74y5s-W1BtNt/view
I would propose just
H is for handball, which is a foul if intentional, and more rarerly in cases where an unintentional handball leads to an unfair advantage
People only need to study the rules more.
11 June 2019
EXXO
So Mrs Exford was in goal last night in a county cup final which had been delayed from May ‘cos of Ramadan, and sure enough she took a goal kick to a defender who thought it didn’t have to go outside the area any more, but the ref blew up and said it was still last season’s rules.
Later in the match the ref was positively encouraging attackers to join a defensive wall, as it would be their last chance ever, he said!
13 June 2019
dr desperate
In the U line, shouldn’t there be a capital W at the beginning of the Kiwi fans’ chant?
16 July 2019
EXXO
Good point, Doc. The various cruel injustices of Sunday’s match in St. John’s Wood were an echo for me of a 20-20 bash I played in last week, where we did indeed get the “bastard in the hat” chant going after a couple of wrong decisions on run-outs (the umpire being our mate who organises our little league). Then 15 hit off the last over to beat us, including 4 needed off the final ball.
16 July 2019
Alice van der meer
I remember all too clearly going up for the world’s plumbest LBW in a T20 league final.
All too clearly because I was the umpire! Got a bit carried away with the tension, and somehow managed to both remain on the pitch and escape without a cricket bat up my khyber.
Imagine if that had happened on Sunday…
16 July 2019
dr desperate
‘I’ is for the Innocents scythed down by Herod (the Great,that is) whose Massacre we celebrate today.
28 December 2019
TRANSIT FULL OF Keith
Commemorate, surely.
28 December 2019
EXXO
Technically, no. The first martyrs of a religion that did not exist at the time are celebrated today.
Tomorrow at Sunday mass, all the saints celebrated in the past week may be (albeit very briefly) commemorated, including Stephen, John the Apostle, and yes, the Holy Innocents.
Anyway, VAR, eh?
28 December 2019
TRANSIT FULL OF Keith
Right you are. By the way, I finally got properly stuck into your quiz this morning, and hereby request a deadline extension to next Christmas.
28 December 2019
Cream cheese and chives
The Inside No.9 that started this series featured a linesman who practised running backwards so that he would look good during Sky’s coverage of the fictional game at the centre of the episode.
2 March 2020
BAD loser
The commentator on R5 for England v Ireland ODI has just said that he worries when he sees an umpire running backwards.
Good to see a pundit recognising that this is a difficult skill.
30 July 2020
John anderson
The P is for the penalty shootout
Great drama and no pressure on me.
Not sure David de Gea would agree right now.
26 May 2021
michael
Watched the wonderful Jack Rosenthal television play Another Sunday and Sweet FA last night (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ngWcHGGrKLQ). Couldn’t stop thinking of this song.
16 July 2021
michael
If you ever wanted to see an 18 year old Anne Kirkbride in hot pants (no judgement here), or Alan Erasmus as an actor, ASASFA is the place to go.
16 July 2021
TRANSIT FULL OF keith
Ref got today’s Wordle in one, I’m guessing.
4 February 2022
JITSU_G
And this is why I do it at midnight before any spoilers/clues get posted
4 February 2022
Bad loser
Was wondering whether I dare make reference to this. Think my opening guess tomorrow will be ‘Quiet’.
4 February 2022
Kendo Nagasaki 2
Just passing by this particular cul-de-sac to ask whether “someone who’s on £90,000 a week” should have been transcribed as “someone who’s on ninety-thousand pound a week”? (There’s no ‘s’, it’s “ninety-thousand pound a week”).
16 February 2022
EXXO
Well definitely not ninety-thousand with a hyphen, but yes I’d go for “ninety thousand pound” to give it the authenticity you suggest.
16 February 2022
dr Desperate
Since the problem arises due to the standard reading of ‘£’ before a figure as ‘pounds’, an alternative (though less orthodox) transcription would be “90,000 pound”.
16 February 2022