And so to the second qualifying group in The Lux Familiar Cup – in which readers of The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project choose their favourite songs of all time. Voting on this album closed on Sat 19 February 2011, and the results from this qualifying group are below. Exactly 400 votes were cast, and two songs go through to the knockout stage. One was well ahead of the rest, but it was a close race for second; however, there are a few “strongest third place” slots up for grabs.
Qualified for last 32
1. The Bastard Son of Dean Friedman (25.5%)
2. Dickie Davies Eyes (15.8%)
In the race for the fastest losers:
3. I Was A Teenage Armchair Honved Fan (14.3%)
4. Rod Hull Is Alive – Why? (10.5%)
If you missed the vote and wish to hurl abuse at the ignorance of the masses, there’s a nice space to do it in below. Perhaps the good Vendor will provide some expert punditry again.
Chris The Siteowner
Before the pedantry commences, yes, I know I’ve sneaked “Carry On Cremating” in here when strictly speaking it wasn’t on the album. But I am Sepp Blatter, and I can do what I like, so there.
5 February 2011
Neil G
Chris,
I’m afraid this poll doesn’t work very well. I voted once, which was OK. But when I came back to see how others had voted, the only way I could get to see the scores so far was to vote again. I don’t want to skew the results (because it would be ethically remiss of me, obviously, and the essence of this website is scrupulous honesty and fairness), so is it possible to set it up so that once I have voted I can not vote again and instead of the voting page being shown, I get to see the results page?
6 February 2011
Ricardo
It’s working fine for me. Voted, and now when I come to the page it shows the current standings.
6 February 2011
Bobby String
Ahhhh, Neil G, methinks your Babbage Engine be possessed by demons! I had the opposite problem because on the first album I voted for only one song, then discovered you could vote for more than one but could never get back to the voting page to vote again, could only see the latest standings. This album I voted for all my faves at teh same time and still only see the latest standings.
Not sure what browser you’re using but maybe it’s a cookies / cache thing. Perhaps you have it set to flush the cache and delete cookies every time it closes so that every time you come to the page it thinks it’s coming here for the first time. Check your settings?
Ô¿Ô
6 February 2011
Chris The Siteowner
I think this also happens when you access the page on mobile devices – it’s not “noted” that you’ve already voted. I’ve added a results link above.
6 February 2011
Neil G
Thanks Chris. Now my conscience can rest easy.
7 February 2011
Ben Woodcock
This is ridiculous. I had to vote for half the album 🙂
7 February 2011
Third Rate Les
Dickie Davies for me.
I wasn’t sure if my Dean Friedman appreciation was unduly influenced by the Bilston gig. That opening line bothers me too. It’s just a bit nasty. Dickie Davies, on the other hand, is a Champions League opening line, as well as the wonderful bathos of the “are dead” line.
8 February 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Agreed TRL, some of the lyrics on this album lack the subtlety of the later work, a situation not improved by Chris’ Sepp Blatter moment in including “Carry On Cremating” in the listing.
Nevertheless amongst the whole Neanderthal situation there are certainly some gems which point towards the more maturely crafted work to follow. Any of these couplets would drop seamlessly onto the next album for example without anybody harrumphing about a drop in quality:
And they mocked me in my mocks
And embroidered in my socks
I saw a chap who obviously was out to impress
Reckoned he’d beat Gagarin into space
No draughts ‘cos that’d be daft
A feather acknowledges Newton
Halfway up the Wrekin with an empty flask of tea
A fog descends and takes away my visibility
When this album came out I was immediately struck by the Gagarin line. I knew blokes who when out on the Pull on a Saturday night used lines approaching that level of absurdity. Furthermore they seemed to experience a fair degree of success using them. Oh the despair, the desire to twist your own brain out! It was about that time that it slowly began to dawn on me that there is nothing better in life than writing on the sole of your slipper with a biro on a Saturday night instead of going to the pub.
8 February 2011
BrumBiscuit
Having lived in Budapest for 8 LONG years, I had to go for Honved & I’m shamelessly biased by the Bilston gig, so Dean Friedman it had to be. Bette Midler is vile though, so I don’t feel that guilty.
9 February 2011
BrumBiscuit
And Honved’s ground is the shittiest dive I’ve ever had the misfortune to experience. Those of you who recall the Baseball Ground pitches of the 70s will be surprised to hear that it was a billiard table compared to Honved’s.
9 February 2011
biziclop
Brumbiscuit: it has improved somewhat over the last few years. Not a lot though.
12 February 2011
Dave
Is it possible to download all the lyrics? Just in case of some Armageddon event I shall have the words safe with me on a memory stick as I fumble through the scorched / drowned / irradiated / climate changed earth and shall feel better. It will go with the Slide-rule I shall take with me.
15 February 2011
Chris The Siteowner
It’s possible to copy them all off the site, I guess, hard for me to stop anyone. And almost inevitably one of those horrible lyrics sites will do just that. Then we’ll have the joy of seeing “download Mr Cave’s a Window Cleaner Now as your ringtone” and all that gubbins clearly so beloved of the youth of today.
16 February 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Which possibly suggests the next competition Chris, which HMHB song would make the best ringtone?
I’d quite like ‘Stavanger Toestub’.
16 February 2011
BrumBiscuit
@BIZICLOP: It was only a few years ago I was there. OK, it was a wet day and only a cup game, but still. Now, Ujpest’s stadium is summat else and puts many English grounds to shame.
@Vendor…: When the Evening Sun Goes down’s good, but takes a while to get going. 27 Yards of Dental Floss is also good, as it’s one of those ringtones that you just HAVE to answer quickly
16 February 2011
parsfan
I’ve got the opening 10 seconds of Rod Hull for mine.
Oh, and a vote for Dickie Davies.
18 February 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
It is always nice to give credit where credit is due and The Bastard Son of Dean Friedman has run its little embroidered socks off in the lead up to this competition. Preparation is key for a song in the run up to the group stages of a major final, and you can do no more than organise a surprise stage appearance by your main subject in the months prior to kick off. Kudos to all involved in this particular coup – a bombshell which has obviously lasted long in the minds of many Biscuiteers. It is too late, (much too late actually), but a similar on-stage appearance from Ted Moult may have rescued his song from a terribly disappointing performance. Second bottom of this not particularly strong group will I imagine, hang heavy on Mr Moult should he ever return from his eternal hibernating season.
Dickie Davies Eyes, as ever strong on paper, being as it contains some of the best loved Biccy lines, qualifies in second place, despite its somewhat sluggish and leaden tune. The romance of the cup dictates that it will get its opportunity to slug it out with the big boys later, but its unsubtle ‘snot on arm of chair’ approach is more Billy Whitehurst than Lionel Messi and its bludgeoning style will not be good enough when it comes up against real quality in the later stages.
Honved and Hull find themselves with Reasons to be Miserable just behind the qualifiers. The opportunities were there to gatecrash the party but they didn’t take them. The backdoor route beckons but I fear that their early doors exit will be permanent.
Finally, if the results of this group prove anything (and they don’t), it is that Carry on Cremating really is the Millwall of Half Man Half Biscuit songs. Whilst not quite literally ‘no one likes us, we don’t care’, it would be very surprising if the twelve voters for this particularly blunt and aggressive also ran were to announce their love for this song publicly. Hattie you may now rest in peace. The voters have spoken and your fire is extinguished.
19 February 2011
BrumBiscuit
All I can add to that fine missive is the (very) old Ted Moult chestnut:
What have Everest Double Glazing & Ted Moult got in common?
They both have hardwood surrounds.
19 February 2011