It’s Group 4 in The Lux Familiar Cup – in which readers of The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project choose their favourite songs of all time. Voting on this album closed on Sat 5 March 2011, and the results from this qualifying group are below. A record 542 votes were cast, and although we had two songs clearly going through to the knockout stage, there was also a very strong third-place finisher of which we may not have seen the last.
Qualified for last 32
1. Running Order Squabble Fest (17.0%)
2. Turned Up Clocked On Laid Off (15.3%)
In the race for the fastest losers:
3. 4AD3DCD (13.1%)
4. Improv Workshop Mimeshow Gobshite (9.4%)
5. Floreat Inertia (8.7%)
The voting may be over, but I’m sure the post-match analyses are only just beginning.
Chris The Siteowner
As we go through each album, there seem to be more and more songs I love. It was tougher than ever to keep voting down to a few here. I hate to think of some of the quality which is going to crash out at the group stage.
19 February 2011
Neil G
This has been the toughest so far. I wanted to vote for all but one but I managed to keep it down to five.
20 February 2011
Chris The Siteowner
Only one of my favourite HMHB songs has been in the mix to date, and it qualified comfortably. But oh dear, this album has not started well. I have THREE of my favourite HMHB songs competing here, and I have a horrible feeling that all three are going to miss the cut. I may take the ball away in a huff.
20 February 2011
Paul F
Do ones that miss out drop into the Watney Cup?
21 February 2011
David Conn
Nobody doubted that the voting system of the Lux Familiar Cup deserved exposing. Many will say that it is only the timing of Paul F’s investigation that is unfortunate. Some will allege that like Andrew Jennings or the Panorama team before him, Paul F. has put his instinct to ask his questions and to expose the truth before the interests of our wider community. This is an ambitious siteowner with a website that is going places; the rumours are that one day Rand hopes to host an entire World Cup for the Federation of Indie Fourpiece Albums. What are the chances of that ever happening now? Not to mention the interests of the wider Biscuit community and the band themselves, who in these long months of dedicated studio work before the release of their delicately crafted new offering, will not really have wanted the distractions of this kind of cup controversy.
No, nobody could have doubted that the voting system of the Lux Familiar Cup deserved exposing. The failings are there for all to see. You will notice the slogan of the pollsters who got the contract: “Get paid for opinions”. The buying of votes is there for all to see. And how did they get the contract? The bidding process for Rand’s tenders, as so often before, was not accountable, and the voting system highly questionable. Some will argue that this game has never been about democracy; Mr. Rand has put in the hard work and the cash, so good luck to him.
But the opposing camp will believe that Paul F is right to probe, now and whenever the sharp sword of truth demands it, and damn the fall-out. For years the different albums have entertained us (and often our partners too), gifting us their lavish and apparently never-ending pleasures at every turn. Now we find out there were ulterior motives. It was all about grubbing for our votes. “You don’t have to vote”, some will say, and this is true. But there is the dilemma. Should we take part in some sort of conspiracy to open up some of the lesser-known areas of the Biscuit world to increased commercialism? Vote for the newer tracks, or the less feted ones, just to see more product sold in areas which are less open to the scrutiny and the probing questions of a Paul F ? Or do we just stand by and see the big tracks lauded once more, which seems to be the opposite of Rand’s long-term project? Either way, it will not make tickets for the gigs or the price of the albums any cheaper in these hard times.
There is no doubt that Rand has been a great thing for spreading the product into new areas, and for more than three years now he has portrayed himself, Platini-like, as a champion of the lesser albums and the unsung tracks. He has had many innovative and impressive ideas, particularly when it comes to making it look as if the fans are being consulted. Yet his competition format, just like the bloated Champions League and yes, like the ever-more-meaningless Europa Cup, is heavily weighted to favour the inexorable progress of the big boys. As Dr. Vendor himself has said, there will be few surprises in this competition. The fat cats, the phat tracks if you like, will come through to the later rounds, and there those with the most public exposure will prevail.
Rand claims to have kept the site admirably free of commercialisation, claiming that he has turned down lucrative offers from firms like Stannah stairlifts, Haliborange and others seeking to target his ageing readership with their persuasive pop-ups. Perhaps, but then the rampant sponsorship is there for us all to see – from Cadbury’s Flake through to Millett’s they have been sponsoring our moshpits for a quarter of a century.
But the skullduggery runs deeper still. Some groups have as few as ten contestants, while some have as many as twenty (with any track not on a studio album arbitrarily lumped together in that veritable Group of Death). From each only two will qualify automatically, and of course statistically the highest-rating runners up are more likely to come from the smaller groups. So some tracks have the odds stacked against them, even before the so-called democracy begins.
What can be done? In the end the fans will vote with their feet, and that probably means those competing at the top of the pyramid will prosper. But some of us will always long for a return to the straight knock-out with the draw of course broadcast live on air, drawn preferably on a Monday lunchtime by ageing officials, but if needs must by ex-players, minor celebrity fans, or heroes of some contemporary colonial war.
“Do 2, 4, 8, 16, 32 and 64 go into 167?” Mr. Rand may well ask, assuming we know what ‘rhetorical’ means. Well no we don’t, and yes, of course they do. If you had a preliminary round featuring 78 contestants drawn at random in 39 preliminary matches, the winners to then join the 89 others in the first round, thereby totaling 166 action-packed ties with no meaningless matches, no obscure contestant denied its day in the murky mud of honest competition, where we would all give genuine consideration to its merits. All the magic of a sudden-death knock-out competition: plucky minnows versus Goliath, tracks which earn more in a week than some entire albums do in a year paired by fate with obscure amateur outfits, chords rejected by the big boys when they were young suddenly having their vengeful hour and a half in the mud, with excitement at frozen pitch fever. Replays! Penalty shoot-outs! Satisfying the blood-lust of the masses in peacetime! Consult your conscience, siteowner. And anyway, which kind of cup competition suits your favourite tracks best ? The same kind that would favour an Ipswich or a Tranmere: sudden death in front of a knock-out, sell-out cup crowd.
We can all dream. And then a man in a suit gives a cup and a cheque to one of the big boys.
Yes Paul, will they ever bring back the Watney Cup? Romantics may wonder, but realists will doubt it.
22 February 2011
Chris The Siteowner
A Legal Monkey writes:
Mr Rand is consulting with his advisors at the moment.
22 February 2011
Paul F
Mr F is consulting with his pyschiatrist.
22 February 2011
Neil G
Is that you Charles?
22 February 2011
Paul F
Well I’m assuming it’s not the real David Conn…
22 February 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
A noble attempt at an expose of the beautiful game that is the Lux Familiar Cup, although if you are searching for the soul of the perfect format of cup competition then perhaps calling on the Watney Cup as a character witness may not be the best idea. It was an elitist, invitation only trophy played in the close season, open to the two teams from each division who had scored the most goals in the previous season, had not been promoted, were not involved in any European competitions and could be arsed to turn up. The real surprise is that it lasted 4 years.
Whilst I back Sepp Rand to the hilt (if only to eventually see Doreen and Joyce dressed in tight shorts), this may be an opportune moment to mention a couple of questions in corners of my mind that lurk. What will happen if the new album comes out before the Lux Familiar Cup is concluded? (especially if that is after the group stage is completed). Will the 6Music session tracks be included regardless? What about downloadable cover versions?
And we thought that this was going to be so straightforward.
22 February 2011
Bobby String
Maybe it’s the grandson of former Heart Of Midlothian and Scotland international Alfie Conn Sr., i.e. the son of Alfie Conn Jr., former Rangers, Celtic, Spurs and Scotland international. But probably not.
I think that rather than doing an exposé of the Lux Familiar Cup, he should put his efforts into an exposé of the Mugabe government or the children of the Calcutta railways. Speaking of Mugabe, maybe Mr.Conn would prefer to use the Zimbabwean form of democratic voting where the number of votes received is determined by who has the biggest, ugliest henchmen.
Ô¿Ô
23 February 2011
a_p
Wow, Alfie Conn (Jr), one of my all-time favourites — so much so that he has been part of my desktop decorations for many years.
23 February 2011
Chris The Siteowner
23 February 2011
s.g.d A Shropshire Lad
re Alfie Conn (jnr)
Every other pack of Golden Wonder All Stars seemed to contain a card of
mr Conn, I had loads of him and so I wasn’t much of a fan but wikipedia does have a ripping yarn about him sitting on the ball during a game.
and don’t even get me started on Jonah Barrington in the sporting All Stars collection, I could have decorated my bedroom – squash star makes room look bigger!
23 February 2011
a_p
I remember the incident, against Leeds — couldn’t have happened against a nicer team. Ah yes, forgive an old geezer for a trip down memory lane:
http://www.sporting-heroes.net/football-heroes/displayhero_club.asp?HeroID=36626
24 February 2011
Norbert D
Ah but come on, “Floriat Inertia”. No love? Maybe it’s just my age and situation, but it’s the HMHB song which really gets to me emotionally (confession ends).
I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder at any song than the first time I heard the line in “Malayan Jelutong” about The Original Breton Shirt. Again, probably a personal thing, but that’s my other favourite here.
26 February 2011
2 Chevrons
Looks like a few contenders from this album will have to “concentrate on the league”.
Is there an away goals rule?
3 March 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
@ 2 Chevrons.
Now don’t be going and giving Chris ideas.
3 March 2011
Chris The Siteowner
I’m certainly going to have to revise the rules dramatically, and not because I’ve just lost two, and possibly three, of my 20 favourite HMHB songs. I’m gutted, Garth, really I am.
5 March 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Question: Bob Wilson recently came out with which one of these two rather preposterous statements?
A: I was an exceptionally strong anchorman, much respected by my colleagues.
B: Arsenal is most football fans’ second favourite team.
Whilst you are pondering which of these pearls of wisdom is the least outlandish, I shall simply point out that walking away with this group is a song whose sorry suggestions make both potential Wilsonisms sound positively possible. After all, are we really being asked to imagine that the bulk of the country’s popular entertainers could bicker and argue amongst themselves in such an infantile and self-centred manner? Can we possibly believe that George O’Dowd was ever unhappy with being a festival going popstar? That Elton could ever behave in an unreasonable way? That Noel could throw a strop at Knebworth and refuse to appear immediately after his good friends David and Charles? Are we honestly expected to believe that Morrissey wasn’t making merry with his many musical marras at Madness’ Madstock! Or that Jamiroquai doesn’t join in jolly japes with Justin, Jennifer, Janet Jackson and James. Or that anyone is not looking for Phil Collins’ tent in search of a good time? What larks Pip, what larks!
So regardless of its factual accuracy, Running Order Squabble Fest goes through to the knockout stage. However it remains to be seen if the shift from a continental late-evening, half past ten start to an afternoon half past four kick off, scheduled to satisfy a British television audience, will be a move too far for this song which seems none too happy when taken out of its comfort zone.
Watch out Lux, I’m a song at ease
Free to do whatever when I want
Knockout stage here I come
Deathless useless bracken underfoot.
Sounds to me like the rallying cry of a song desiring to go places, albeit hoping that the levelling effect of a poor 3rd Round FA Cup-style pitch may assist it in a spot of giant killing. If played on an allotment-like pitch then TUCOLO may get by into the next round. It all depends on how well it copes on the day.
The under-performing 4AD3DCD has been given a wakeup call here but it is a song more than capable of progression. Complacency has cost it dear in the group stage, but if it can shake off its ‘don’t worry me none bro’ attitude then it has the quality needed to progress via the group stage play-offs. A creative midfield of David Lynch, Tony Iommi and David Dundas, providing for the ground-breaking artist that is Man Ray upfront should see this song have the determination to realise its dreams. An all-round iconic song. We have not heard the last of it in the Lux Familiar Cup.
5 March 2011
Chris The Siteowner
Top notch analysis, Vendor. That’s a formidable team lurking there in 4AD3DCD colours. On an unrelated note, do you think Man Ray should be in our list of those no longer in need of season tickets?
5 March 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Not without a ‘Curse of HMHB’ rule change unfortunately, as the legendary one died in 1976.
http://www.manraytrust.com/
5 March 2011
Chris The Siteowner
Yeah, that’s the point. He’s dead, so he should be on the list. If we consider him to have been referred to explicitly…
5 March 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Sorry Chris, I’ve been sat in my Kansas shack alone too long and I’m confused. If he died before the song was released how can his death be attributed to ‘the curse?’
5 March 2011
s j redmond
Still wondering why “..Fred Titmus” isn’t listed as one of the fastest losers considering it polled 9%, ie. more than “Albert Hammond..” and “Sealclubbing”? Or are my mathematics all askew?
5 March 2011
Ricardo
And, still, answer came there none.
Much as England’s bid to host the 2018 World Cup is now known to have been a doomed, pointless exercise from the beginning, was this, too, the fate of Fred Titmus? Once the hopes of a nation were borne on the shoulders of Cameron, Beckham, the elder Windsor lad, only to be dashed against the rocks of FIFA corruption. And today, are those who would champion Fred Titmus to be similarly denied justice?
Well, someone will not be silenced. In SJ Redmond, we have our own Woodward and Bernstein. Those 47 who so hopefully clicked a tick by Titmus now have a voice. All they wanted was for their vote to matter, to be heard, to be counted. Sepp Blatter could hide. Blatter could hide behind his smokescreens of arcane procedures and secret ballots. The Lux Familiar Cup affords no such haven, for it is transparent, there are the numbers for all to see, 47 votes, Mr Rand; 47 people; 47 dreams.
On two threads SJ Redmond now pursues you. On two threads SJ Redmond demands justice for the slow right-armer, those unanswered questions dangling like nooses readied for the necks of democracy and integrity. Until this situation is resolved to the satisfaction of SJ Redmond, nay, to the satisfaction of every one of us, this competition can be little more than a sham.
5 March 2011
Chris The Siteowner
Vendor/SJ: it’s not been one of my finest days, has it? Keep up the pressure. It brings down the most unlikely of tyrants and despots.
6 March 2011
Charles Exford
And to compound it all your site clock’s fast. Still the 5th.
6 March 2011
Bill Smith
I’m with Norbert D. I realise it’s a game of opinions and all but how Floreat Inertia doesn’t get a Champions League place in Leaden Pall is totally beyond me. Or even Malayan Jelutong. If Fix It So She Dreams of Me doesn’t make this year’s top 5, I’ll have to boycott the 2019 competition.
1 October 2015