Thirteen Across (Part 4) – the NOCAYCHSGYFHC crossword …attempted

Following on from Charles Exford’s original Festive HMHB Lyrics Crossword, Dr Desperate’s popular follow-up, and Gareth and Maria’s third HMHB Lyrics Crossword, here’s something a bit different: an attempt by Dr Desperate to solve the No-one Cares About Your Creative Hub So Get Your Fuckin’ Hedge Cut album sleeve crossword. You’ll need to refer to the crossword on the album sleeve (we’re not publishing it here!) for this to make much sense.

Dr Desperate writes: “I think the best description for this puzzle, from the disorientating placement of the clues (‘down’ before ‘across’) onwards, is ‘idiosyncratic’.

“No answer lengths are given, at least one entry having too many letters for its space. 12 down (where was the clue?) sits next to an entry with neither clue nor number; for 22 across read 22 down. Some answers are invented words, others are people and animals that only the setter knows, or has imagined. For all these reasons, any solution (especially to the interlinked ‘Len Goodman’ clues) must be largely conjectural.

“And yet… we get obscure references to football, music, TV programmes and bicycle repair kit. Birkenhead and Wales are mentioned, as are the Cammell Laird shipyards. There are lines from songs by Love and The Beatles. The word ‘Hawaiian’ appears (correctly spelt).

“What does all this sound like? Who is that setter, hiding behind the pseudonym ‘Tommy McArdle’ (off Brookside)? Come on – he’s even giving you clues!”

*UPDATE August 2021: Help yourself to the Doc’s attempt below, but we’ve now got the real answers.

Down
1	MA	Rainey, ‘Mother of the Blues’, real name Gertrude Pritchett.
2	GOWER	An actual cryptic clue! Cricketer David, Welsh peninsula.
3	WOOD	A Malagasy hardwood, scientific name Dalbergia maritima
4	TIER	Synonym for ‘echelon’.
5	CORAL ISLE	A French thoroughbred. Never ran in the Melbourne Cup.
6	HAWAIIAN SHIRT	Not how I would define ‘dreadful’.
8	FUCKING (WRETCH)	See 3 across. Black Yaris abuser.
9	SHEA	Iconic New York stadium, demolished 2009.
14	VIOLENCE	Effect of watching Len Goodman (see above).
17	RANK	Synonym for ‘position’.
19	SPA	see 22 down (not across).
21	SUPERIOR	“Mother Superior jumped the gun” from ‘Happiness Is A Warm Gun’ (The Beatles).
22	(SPA) TOWN	Resort such as Bath, in Avon (not Birkenhead).
24	ALLO ALLO	A personal opinion of the sitcom (see 11 across).
27	INRI	“Iesus Nazarenus, Rex Iudaeorum” – inscription on the (non-MDF) crucifix.
29	RIENI	‘Parents’ in Welsh.
31	KOBRA	Snake-based ride at Chessington theme park.
32	STUB	As in Stavanger.
34	DROG	Didier Drogba, massive at Chelsea 2004-2012.
36	LOON	Nickname of Forfar Athletic fans.
38	DOG	Canine name.

Across
3	WRETCH	See 8 down.
7	AFIOSO	An invented Italian name.
10	I-O	Old MacDonald had a farm…
11	BARF	See 24 down
13	WHOEVER	Len Goodman, celebrity nonentity.
15	WOO	Wendy, lead singer of The Photos (actually spelt WU).
16	CREED	Religious belief.
18	IRANGATE	(ie “woodwork”). Political scandal. Ahvaz is the capital Of the Iranian province of Khuzestan.
19	SKARA	Skara Brae, Neolithic settlement on Mainland, Orkney.
20	PIN	Pin press, bike tool used to remove cottered cranks.
21	SPECIALIST	See 5 down. (CORAL ISLE’s sire was really called Colonist.)
23	ANKA	Singer Paul: first 4 letters of Turkish capital Ankara.
25	LUPIC	An ingenious invention. Wolves play at Molineux; Serbian names usually end in -ić. (The real word for ‘Wolf-like’ is lupine.)
26	LOON	See 36 down.
27	IL	Abbreviation for Illinois.
28	SGN	Literally, initials of Stuart Grainger’s Nan. (The star of ‘King Solomon’s Mines’ was spelt Stewart Granger.)
30	NO	Let’s not.
33	RAPID	Sportklub Rapid Wien, Viennese football team; Rapid Discount Outlet, collapsed Liverpool hardware store.
35	ON TRIAL	The Cammell Laird-built submarine Thetis sank in 1939 during sea trials, with the loss of 99 lives.
37	EDIL	Random letters (or the name of a Finnish wrestler).
39	OR	‘Alone Again Or’, song by Love.
40	NO	I’m not.
41	RON-ROBERT	Zieler, Cologne-born keeper who began his career At Manchester United (not in Lancs).
42	IGLOO	A nickname?

Letters Sent (12)

Chris The Siteowner

A much appreciated public service, Dr D.

17 November 2018

EXXO

Ooh I think I managed to avoid that without seeing more than one answer.

Not seen the actual crossie yet and looking forward to having a go. Still waiting for my actual copy of the album (which admittedly I didn’t order till June or July) to arrive.

I am seriously thinking of emailing Geoff to ask where it is, but I want to make sure I’ve broken the record first.

17 November 2018

transit full of keith

Fantastic effort Dr.D, which will surely have the pundits arguing for years. A case when the solver has to display as much ingenuity as the setter. Some of my answers, though, are even the same as yours (I pencilled in about seven before I packed it in, as I recall).

18 November 2018

Mel WOod

Only just returned to this and, the joy of finding the answers above to save the remains of my sanity! Thank you for putting it together! To join in with probably tons of debate and conjecture, can I propose Droy (Micky) as a possible sub for Drog – both ‘massive Chelsea’ though… Cheers for the site all round though

24 July 2019

EXXo

I’ve not seen the crossword yet (as I’m proudly taking the record for time between ordering an item from PP to receiving it well into the second year and running … ), but whatever the clue is, I’m guessing Droy is a more Blackwellian answer than Drog. And he was much, much more massiver.

26 July 2019

dr desperate

2 inches more massiver to be precise.
I’m sure you’re right, @Mel, and if anyone else has alternative answers, please post them here – as mentioned above, my solution was largely conjectural.
(If and when your album does arrive, @Exxo, feel free to send your bro a copy of the crossword. I have no doubt it will drive him insane.)

26 July 2019

transit full of keith

Took another look at this crossword. 5 down, “Name of imaginary horse which I rode to victory in the Melbourne Cup aged 9,” has nine letters, which started off a nagging train of thought around the line: “Geraldine, Geraldine, it’s just a selling plate, nobody cares”.

Could Geraldine be an imaginary horse? If so it’s back to the drawing board for the Umberstone Covert theorists (and also for 10, 21, and 26 across).

26 July 2019

EXXO

@Doc – that’s probly the dimension in which he was least more massiver. Jaw. Shoulders. Thighs. Feet. There would be only one choice if casting 70’s footballers in Mary Shelley stories.

Spanned some very inconsistent generations of constant flux at Chelsea, from the era of Bonetti to that of Spackman. Of his 313 appearances (99 as skipper), only two other players (Chopper Harris and Gary Locke) played with him in half of those games or more, and only three in one third of those games or more (John Bumstead, Mike Fillery & Clive Walker).

@ Keith. Ahem. Considerable speculation about ‘orses in the ‘Umberstone thread.

I think you both have an email address for me. Feel free to send me the clues, or not to. Although now that I think about it, it’s kind of eccentric to have answers on here but not clues.

26 July 2019

EXXO

I forgot you can’t answer two threads in one post there. Apologies. Drinking has kicked in early today. Hence my other rant, though actually I think I’ve been quite restrained and eloquent there. I am never blessed with luck when it comes to the art of securing employment, with Fawleyesque twists of fate abounding throughout each episode, and had my least luckiest ever knock-back today.

26 July 2019

EXXO

Oh, it was all the same thread, soz. Forget it, delete this & that.

26 July 2019

Transit full of keith

Speculation about ‘orses on that thread, but not, as far as I recall, that Geraldine is one. Sent you a snapshot of the crossword, anyway.

26 July 2019

EXXO

Thanks for the crossword, Keith. Seeing the clues confirms that Dr. Des has done a marvellous job, not that I would have doubted it. Not too many alternative possibilities IMHO, and apart from that I only a few further thoughts:

(ii) The deliberate red herring of ‘Drog’ for the more Blackwellian ‘Droy’ (he could have got three in one pack in 1973) is very much in the spirit of the piece.

(iii) I notice that ‘Mafioso’ is fabricated by ‘M-a’ and ‘a-fioso’

(iv) The least certain of the Doc’s answers is IMHO ‘Igloo’, which is obviously the only dictionary word that fits, but still unsatisfying … If the clue was
” ‘im across the road ” I might have guessed ‘igson. Could be anything that fits, which is the point I suppose.

(v) we can’t be certain about the ‘orses but the Doc’s suggestions certainly fit better than any I can popose, unless the first of the two loons is a mistake somehow. But I really like that ‘Forfar’ clue as a piss-take of crosswords. If it’s really 21 and 36, then why not the same word in both? A bit silly indeed.

Thanks again both.

28 July 2019

And I'll tell you stuff for nothing...

Skip to the most recent comment

Chris The Siteowner
A much appreciated public service, Dr D.
17 November 2018
EXXO
Ooh I think I managed to avoid that without seeing more than one answer.
Not seen the actual crossie yet and looking forward to having a go. Still waiting for my actual copy of the album (which admittedly I didn’t order till June or July) to arrive.
I am seriously thinking of emailing Geoff to ask where it is, but I want to make sure I’ve broken the record first.
17 November 2018
transit full of keith
Fantastic effort Dr.D, which will surely have the pundits arguing for years. A case when the solver has to display as much ingenuity as the setter. Some of my answers, though, are even the same as yours (I pencilled in about seven before I packed it in, as I recall).
18 November 2018
Mel WOod
Only just returned to this and, the joy of finding the answers above to save the remains of my sanity! Thank you for putting it together! To join in with probably tons of debate and conjecture, can I propose Droy (Micky) as a possible sub for Drog – both ‘massive Chelsea’ though… Cheers for the site all round though
24 July 2019
EXXo
I’ve not seen the crossword yet (as I’m proudly taking the record for time between ordering an item from PP to receiving it well into the second year and running … ), but whatever the clue is, I’m guessing Droy is a more Blackwellian answer than Drog. And he was much, much more massiver.
26 July 2019
dr desperate
2 inches more massiver to be precise.
I’m sure you’re right, @Mel, and if anyone else has alternative answers, please post them here – as mentioned above, my solution was largely conjectural.
(If and when your album does arrive, @Exxo, feel free to send your bro a copy of the crossword. I have no doubt it will drive him insane.)
26 July 2019
transit full of keith
Took another look at this crossword. 5 down, “Name of imaginary horse which I rode to victory in the Melbourne Cup aged 9,” has nine letters, which started off a nagging train of thought around the line: “Geraldine, Geraldine, it’s just a selling plate, nobody cares”.
Could Geraldine be an imaginary horse? If so it’s back to the drawing board for the Umberstone Covert theorists (and also for 10, 21, and 26 across).
26 July 2019
EXXO
@Doc – that’s probly the dimension in which he was least more massiver. Jaw. Shoulders. Thighs. Feet. There would be only one choice if casting 70’s footballers in Mary Shelley stories.
Spanned some very inconsistent generations of constant flux at Chelsea, from the era of Bonetti to that of Spackman. Of his 313 appearances (99 as skipper), only two other players (Chopper Harris and Gary Locke) played with him in half of those games or more, and only three in one third of those games or more (John Bumstead, Mike Fillery & Clive Walker).
@ Keith. Ahem. Considerable speculation about ‘orses in the ‘Umberstone thread.
I think you both have an email address for me. Feel free to send me the clues, or not to. Although now that I think about it, it’s kind of eccentric to have answers on here but not clues.
26 July 2019
EXXO
I forgot you can’t answer two threads in one post there. Apologies. Drinking has kicked in early today. Hence my other rant, though actually I think I’ve been quite restrained and eloquent there. I am never blessed with luck when it comes to the art of securing employment, with Fawleyesque twists of fate abounding throughout each episode, and had my least luckiest ever knock-back today.
26 July 2019
EXXO
Oh, it was all the same thread, soz. Forget it, delete this & that.
26 July 2019
Transit full of keith
Speculation about ‘orses on that thread, but not, as far as I recall, that Geraldine is one. Sent you a snapshot of the crossword, anyway.
26 July 2019
EXXO
Thanks for the crossword, Keith. Seeing the clues confirms that Dr. Des has done a marvellous job, not that I would have doubted it. Not too many alternative possibilities IMHO, and apart from that I only a few further thoughts:
(ii) The deliberate red herring of ‘Drog’ for the more Blackwellian ‘Droy’ (he could have got three in one pack in 1973) is very much in the spirit of the piece.
(iii) I notice that ‘Mafioso’ is fabricated by ‘M-a’ and ‘a-fioso’
(iv) The least certain of the Doc’s answers is IMHO ‘Igloo’, which is obviously the only dictionary word that fits, but still unsatisfying … If the clue was
” ‘im across the road ” I might have guessed ‘igson. Could be anything that fits, which is the point I suppose.
(v) we can’t be certain about the ‘orses but the Doc’s suggestions certainly fit better than any I can popose, unless the first of the two loons is a mistake somehow. But I really like that ‘Forfar’ clue as a piss-take of crosswords. If it’s really 21 and 36, then why not the same word in both? A bit silly indeed.
Thanks again both.
28 July 2019

The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project