The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project

Paintball’s Coming Home

They’ve got the whole world in their house
They’ve got the whole wide world in their house
They’ve got the whole world in their house
To see the new conservatory

They go ten pin bowling after work
They go ten pin bowling after work
They go ten pin bowling after work
And they’re getting married on a Caribbean beach

They’ve got a German shepherd dog called Prince
They’ve got a German shepherd dog called Prince
They’ve got a German shepherd dog called Prince
The one called Sheba died

They know where things are in B&Q
They know where things are in B&Q
They know where things are in B&Q
And they’ve got The Joy Of Sex video

If I were a linesman
I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides

They were due on the Crystal Maze
Yeah, they were due to go on the Crystal Maze
Yeah, they were due on the Crystal Maze
But they got mugged in Florida

They went up in a hot air balloon
They declared their love in a hot air balloon
Yeah, they drank champagne in a hot air balloon
And had a row on New Year’s Eve

They’ve got nothing but total respect for
They’ve got nothing but total respect for
They’ve got nothing but total respect for
Annie Lennox

And if I’d known they were coming, I’d have slashed me wrists

Note – there have been many live variations on the song, the most well-known being this one, recorded for a BBC Session in 2004:

They’ve got the whole world in their house
They’ve got the whole wide world in their house
They’ve got the whole world in their house
To see the new conservatory

They didn’t choose their cat, their cat chose them
They didn’t choose their cat, their cat chose them
They didn’t choose their cat, their cat chose them
And what do you know – it’s got its own website

They made some real good friends on Henman Hill
They made some real good friends on Henman Hill
They made some good friends on Henman Hill
And now they all meet up for boxercise

They buy soup in cartons, not in tins
They buy soup in cartons, not in tins
They buy soup in cartons, not in tins
And keep a torch in the back of their car

They go to one-day cricket in fancy dress
They go to one-day cricket in fancy dress
They go to one-day cricket in fancy dress
And choose the pub that’s got the ball pond for the kids

They treat the Mercury Music Prize with awe
They treat the Mercury Music Prize with awe
They treat the Mercury Music Prize with awe
Obviously that’s just jealousy on my part

They seem to think it’s a really good idea
They seem to think it’s a really good idea
They seem to think it’s a really good idea
To hire a stretch limousine

He gets over-emotional when he’s drunk
He gets all too emotional when he’s drunk
He gets over-emotional when he’s drunk
And says “I tell you what mate, that baby changed me life”

If I’d known they were coming, I’d have slashed me wrists

From the Cornbury Festival 2008:

They watch Top Gear re-runs on Channel Dave
They watch Top Gear re-runs on Channel Dave
They watch Top Gear re-runs on Channel Dave
And say: “It’s not just for Petrolheads…”